There is only one person who could really get me to join the suffocating cacophony. And I'm just trying to faithfully answer a question she asked me on our second date.
Attending an anti-Trump rally in Dallas on January 20, 2018 with Kasandra and my child Mars.
Do I even have something to say that hasn’t already been said? Is there a unique perspective that I can offer in a world where so many people are working out their thoughts publicly about racism?
Initially, my answer is ‘hell to the no!’ Part of what I do for a living is scour Facebook and Twitter for responses to posts for the agencies and organization for whom I work. I read social media at length and for long periods of time everyday. So, I’ve seen just about every opinion, blog, idea, and commentary regarding systemic racism that has been written since the murder of George Floyd. And don’t even get me started on COVID-19, churches going on-line or opening their doors, pancake companies, and live sports. Please make it stop. I’m full.
The only reason I would believe that my thoughts on systemic racism are unique is because of a question that my beloved asked me at the end of our second date over three years ago: Are you ready for this?
Given that I don’t believe that I have something unique to say, I’ve done a great deal of forwarding, reposting, retweeting, copying, and liking. More so than I ever have done in the past. I’ve chosen to repost items that are harmonious to what I believe, allowing others to say what I might want to say without having to actually say it.
As many of you know, when you put something ‘out there,’ responses to anything posted or re-posted can be all over the spectrum. Close friends and relatives have rebuked me, even shamed me, with their thoughts on “all lives matter”. Others have praised and re-resposted what I’ve initially reposted (did that make sense?). People I’ve known from as far back as 40 years and people I have just met all seem to have something to say about offensive pictures, what movies and documentaries to watch, the definition of ‘defunding’ and how everyone should think, act, and believe.
Aside: Let me say that the words “don’t you think?” in a response sets me on edge every single time. If you want me to go from Zero to Gozilla Rage in a hurry, end your opinion with “…don’t you think?”
Let me also say when someone calls me out on social media, you can be sure that I’ll just respond with nothing on screen and an ‘whatever’ in an exasperated voice my head.
Given all the noise and the repercussions of the inevitable responses to anything I would post, I have to wonder if I even have something to say that hasn’t already been said and whether or not I want to put up with what comes after. So, I’ve put up a wall about writing ‘my own thing’… until now.
There is one person who has urged me to write my own thoughts, to say my own piece, and post bravely what I’m thinking. Just one voice that has made that suggestion and I’m obliged to listen. If it were anyone else but her, I’d say ‘whatever.’ However, my best friend, my perfect foil, my lover, my spouse, and my partner in crime has more than earned her right to be heard. And she’s kind enough to remind me that I might be in a unique position to say something.
She has made me ask myself: Am I in a unique position to say something because I’m a white man in an interracial marriage with a black woman? Will what I have to say be a singular statement because I have two black stepsons who are young adults and look an awful lot like the people being killed by the police? Are my words going to be something you haven’t already seen/heard/read because my daughters can challenge me on this and I find myself in the situation where they’re the teacher and I’m the student?
The only reason I would believe that my thoughts on systemic racism are unique is because of a question that my beloved asked me at the end of our second date almost three years ago: Are you ready for this? (“this” meaning to be in a relationship with a black woman).
Even after three years, the answer has to be ‘I don’t know for sure.’ What I know for certain is that I am spending my the rest of my life trying to be worthy of the answer: ‘I’m going to try.’
So, I am saying my piece. I’m certain that many of you will wholeheartedly agree. I’m also certain many of you will vehemently disagree. Chances are good that you can and will fill the comments section with your own thoughts. To most of you, I say ‘whatever.’ All that I’m doing is trying to be worthy of the answer I desperately and passionately want to give to my beloved.
To paraphrase En Vogue: Systemic racism. Wrote a blog about it. Like to hear it? Here it go.
Because I am a white male, I believe that I am called to work of humility and vulnerability, and not to the work of being a "champion" or "do-gooder." I am choosing to be about the work of learning and discarding what I need to unlearn. I am refraining from speaking about my successes, because black people are tired of giving out ‘pats on the back’ for what we should have known and acted upon all along. Instead, I will try to point toward the work that comes next for me. I will continue to minimize my time and voice in forums where I will be met with praise or 'likes" to remind myself that the work of anti-racism often gets real once the conversation gets past easy positive reinforcement.
I will continue to do work around anti-racism thanks to my life-long teachers. I believe I am called to the work of attempting to engage with my white siblings in Christ. And in so doing, I will attempt to do it calmly, patiently, with strategy and clarity, being ready to speak uncomfortable and challenging truths with great love. That’s exceptionally hard when my patience is being tested (at best) or I am being ‘shamed’ (at worst). But honestly, I am here to help and be a part of the work in any simple way I can. I'm not an expert and I do well to remind myself of that frequently, knowing that we all benefit when we mentor and model with love and grace, as well as truth and justice.
Because I am married to a person of color, I am called to the work of helping her physically, emotionally, and spiritually of saying yes to what she must... and also giving her nervous system time to recuperate when it’s exhausting. What I have seen is that she is attempting to find a balance with the labor of anti-racism and resting and recharging. I pray that I’m a breathing space after a day of mostly-white-spaces where she works and lives. I am called to make room for her to practice joy as resistance and to continue to unpack her own inner work.
Is this how God is calling me to act for justice? Is this how God is calling to reflect on my own efforts so that I can keep learning and growing? I don’t know. I’m just boy, standing in front of a girl, trying to be worthy of answering her question.
Perhaps I said nothing unique here. Likely, I am another voice in the suffocating cacophony. However, upon further review, this wasn’t meant for the crowd. This was meant as a message from one man to one woman who asked him a question in the parking lot of an Applebee’s on a warm summer’s night three years ago.
Here’s my answer to your question, my beloved, three years in the making: I don’t know that I’m ready. I’m imperfect and I’ve got a lot to learn. But you’re intelligent, savvy, drop-dead sexy, and amazing in every possible way that I can conceive. So, I’m going to try to be worthy of a relationship with a black woman. Because you, your sons, your family, your black siblings are so worth it. I don’t know if I’m ready, but I am sure that I’m going to try to be.
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