When you were just a few months old, your fathers allowed Kasandra and I to babysit you so that they could go to a poetry reading. Groovy, right? Inside a small car, they brought a moving van worth of things so that we could take care of you. Was there even room for you? I laugh when I think about it.
Over the span of half an hour, blankets, pads, and diapers for a week were offloaded, even though you were just spending the evening. Baby formula for a month, prepared and ready-to-mix, was supplied. Things for your hands to grasp and colorful things for you to look at were laid out across our living room floor. So much stuff! The irony is that we could have made things work with the blankets and books we had, plus our own arms and legs and smiles to entertain and enjoy you. And one of our dogs became VERY protective of you.
As they left, I remember feeling grateful for a world where two black daddies can care so very much for you and can raise you as their son. I’m grateful for a world where they trusted us to look after you for awhile. As we were playing, I thought: You know what, Z-man? You are awash in adults that want to care for you and raise you up right!
Later that evening, I was blessed… so very blessed… to give you a bottle, hold you in my arms, feel your body go limp and watch your eyes go closed. You have no idea how much you stole my heart that night. As a Rangers game droned on in the background, all that I wanted in that moment was for you to be healthy, joyous, and amazing.
But I also knew at that moment that the 6 months old Z-pack, wearing his beautiful black skin, will grow up to be a young man whose very skin might cause some to fear or even hate. I wondered over and over again: At what age will you go from being a small, beautiful boy into a scary young man? By just being born into this world with a darker melanin, when will people with lighter skin see you as ‘othered’?
So, looking at your sleeping body in my arms, I prayed. I prayed that you might grow up in an America where we aren’t ‘color blind’ but ‘color aware’. I recommitted to working toward a time where two daddies are understood to be not only capable, but uniquely qualified to raise you. I dreamed along with God of a world where not only opportunity is readily available, but that blessings pour over you.
Thank you for letting me feed you, hold you, and dream for you. Thank you for being. I hope that you’ll always know that you have an adopted grandpa in me.
Thomas
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